How to Talk to your Pre-Teen

Tweens are caught in the middle of childhood and adolescence. They are going through a lot of changes, socially, physically and mentally. Children in this age group are often moody and hard to talk to. You ask, "How was your day?" and they answer a short "Fine." when it is obvious they are upset. How do you get them to share with you what is happening in their life and how they feel about it?

1. Show them respect. Your child is getting older and bigger now and needs some space. If your son or daughter says they don't feel like talking, don't push them. Say, "I understand, but if you feel like talking later I'd like to listen." The bottom line is you can't make them tell you, so be open and available when they come to you.

2.Don't be critical. When they do want to talk, try to listen without being judgmental. This is challenging. Kids have lots of crazy ideas that may shock and horrify you! If they say, "I was thinking about dying my hair pink!" then instead of saying, "Why???" say something like, "You would really stand out with pink hair!" You could, of course, forbid this behavior, however that will make them want to do it more. Maybe convince them to wait until summer.

3. Really listen. We can tell when someone is not really paying attention to what we are saying. They answer with "uh-huh" or "yeah" or make unrelated comments. Kids can tell to, and they don't like it any more than adults. When your tween wants to talk, give them your attention. Turn off the Tv, don't answer the phone, and really hear what your child is saying. Ask questions (but not too many!) and look at them.

4. Be honest. As much as possible be honest and straightforward with your pre-teen child. Kids can tell if you're lying and it damages your relationship with them, which is far worse than just telling them the truth that they will eventually find out anyway! If you don't know the answer to a question, then admit it. If it's a difficult question about sex or drugs that you are not comfortable answering then visit the library (or internet) and review the information together with your child.

5. Earn your child's trust. This is important in any relationship between any two people of any age. If your child tells you a secret, don't tell anyone. For example, say your child is friends with your best friends' child. If your child tells you something about your friends' child and you tell your friend, you can guarantee it will be the last time your child shares private information with you.

6. Show an interest in your child's interests. This will build and strengthen your relationship with your child. It's important for them to know they have your support and encouragement. If your child expresses an interest in art then get some books on drawing and painting at the library or find a great website on careers in art to share with your child. If your child plays sports go to all the games and cheer your son or daughter on! By being involved in things with your child you will likely have the opportunity to get to know some of their friends, which is very useful!

Talking with your tween is largely dependent on the relationship you have built with your child through their younger years. However, if it's been rough going it's not to late to make it better. Spend time with your child. Listen to them and get involved! There's no quick fix when it comes to parenting. But if you invest the time, you will profit immeasurably!!!